


Futile Februarys

by DeltaS



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 18:00:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7650952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeltaS/pseuds/DeltaS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chakotay finds out the reasons for Janeway's annual doldrums.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Futile Februarys

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written and posted February 2007 as "February Song"

**~*~**

_Breep_.

The young woman at the desk looked up and smiled. He was right on time, to the minute when he told her he would there. In the two years since she began working as Admiral Janeway’s adjunct, Jenna Evert had never known Captain Chakotay to be late; today was no different.

She jumped to attention as the doors opened and he walked in. “Good morning, Captain,” she smiled, her pert face and dancing eyes belying the formal stance of her body. “Thank you for coming – I really appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome, Lieutenant. And please – at ease, relax – I don’t bite, you know.” He smiled back, with a wave for her to resume her seat. His dimples appeared as devastating as ever – even as the years crept up on him, the tall man managed to exude a primal magnetism.

Jenna heaved an internal sigh, wondering how many women over the years had secretly lusted over this gorgeous being. “Thank you, sir. I should warn you…”

“That she’s not in the best of moods,” he finished. “Yes, I gathered that from your request that I should come over.”

“I just don’t know what’s bothering her,” Jenna said, her face darkening with concern and bewilderment. “She seems to be staying to herself more and more, leaving the door closed when she’s here. That’s not like her at all, although I do remember another period – about a year ago – when she was withdrawn. Has she ever been like this that you can remember?”

Chakotay shook his head and managed a quirky little laugh. “Oh, yes – many times! One day she’s fine and the next, it wouldn’t matter if you were Kris Kringle and the birthday fairy all rolled into one – nothing would cheer her. When we were on Voyager in the Delta Quadrant, sometimes she would retreat for three… four weeks at a time.” He shook his head, as if to rid himself of bad memories. Jenna noted his heavy sigh as he continued his reminiscing. “There were a couple of times when she went a couple of weeks without even leaving her quarters.”

Jenna’s eyes opened wide as surprise registered on her face. “Really! That doesn’t sound like her at all. It’s as if she had clinical depression.”

“That’s always what I’ve thought, too” he answered. “I’m no psychiatrist, but she had all the classic symptoms: loss of interest in things that she usually thrived upon, loss of appetite, little or no sleep, a disregard for personal hygiene and how she looked…”

“And lots more coffee than usual – as if she didn’t drink enough of the stuff as it were,” Jenna completed.

Chakotay took a couple more steps towards Janeway’s closed door. “And you notice that she hasn’t even bothered to open her door, even though she’s certainly heard our voices and knows that I’m out here.” He sighed and shook his head. “I know she’s not happy with this new assignment of mine – maybe that’s it.”

Jenna nodded knowingly. “That’s for sure. I even overheard her talking with Admiral Hayes about seeing if the powers that be could at least postpone your mission for a month or so. She said that there were no critical deadlines on it and that another month shouldn’t matter one way or another. She sounded almost desperate, as if she were afraid for you to go.”

His face became serious. “That’s not like her… to be so fatalistic.”

Jenna pushed her chair back and rounded the desk, walking to within a whisper’s range of the man. Her eyes became bright and her cheeks flushed; she licked her lips and said in a hushed voice. “Permission to speak freely, sir?” she asked, almost swallowing her request.

“Of course,” he smiled at her.

“I… I’m really quite worried about her, Captain. It’s as if she’s going through the movements of life without being mentally or emotionally present, like she doesn’t care where she’s going or what will happen. I don’t want her to do anything she might regret.” Jenna swallowed and sniffed, daintily wiping her nose with a couple of fingers. “And I love her – I truly do.” The young woman almost choked on the words.

Chakotay handed her a tissue from the dispenser on her desk and smiled at her, his own eyes almost as bright and filled as hers. “So do I, Lieutenant – so do I.”

**~*~**

“Kathryn,” he called out softly as he entered her office and quietly shut the door behind him. His eyes slowly adjusted to the darkened room after the brightness of Jenna’s outer area. He looked over towards the area where he knew her desk was, backed up by a large window. Only deep twilight greeted him, as the heavy room darkening drapes obliterated any of the pale winter sunshine outside. Slowly her silhouette emerged – she was seated in her overlarge desk chair, turned in profile to him. “Are you all right? How about some light?” His hand was halfway to the wall panel as she spoke.

“Not right now,” she said, her voice barely audible.

He cautiously walked across the room towards, trying to remember where any low-lying item might be in his path; he didn’t need to insult her melancholy by taking a pratfall. He could make out that she had gotten out of the chair and was walking around the desk.

“You _**did**_ hear me talking with Jenna, didn’t you? You knew I was here…” he asked.

“Yes,” she answered, her voice not willing to add anything more to her statement.

Her image became more apparent to him and he realized the room wasn’t as dark as it seemed when he first entered. She stood in front of her desk, her arms stiff, bracing up her slumping form. She made no resistance when he reached her and pulled her into his embrace but her response was passive; only _ **his**_ arms encircled in an invitation to a shared embrace.

“Kathryn, what is it? Is it something I’ve done – or haven’t done? What can I do to help?” He kissed the top of her head, hoping to instill some energy into her limp body, wanting to feel some response – _**any**_ response – from her.

Her hand slipped in between them and touched his chest, but not with the passion he had remembered from only a short time ago. Her fingers could not seem to recall how to caress but instead became a shield, pushing her away from him. “Chakotay, it’s not you – it’s just that… well, I need to be alone,” she murmured, walking away from him.

His frustration level had almost reached its limit – he wanted to shake her out of it, while at the same time he merely wanted to assimilate all the raw pain she felt, so that she could stop hurting so badly. He ran his fingers through his hair and paced in front of the long window. “Well, you have a mighty poor way of _ **not**_ telling me that I haven’t done anything to offend you.” He tried not to be exasperated with her, but it had been three days since she had even made any effort to communicate with him – she always ‘busy’ or ‘unavailable’, according to the obedient Lieutenant Evert who had passed along Janeway’s messages when he tried to contact her at work. Away from her office, she hadn’t answered or returned any of his attempts via her commbadge or communicator at home. This wasn’t the way to solidify their relationship, one that he ** _had_** presumed was growing stronger every day.

“Please – just be patient with me, Chakotay,” she said.

That did it. “Patient?” he growled. “ _ **Patient**_? You mean I haven’t been patient for what… seven years now? Five long, aching years in the Delta Quadrant, and now two years since we arrived back on Earth… Kathryn, I’ve even heard a few of our former crewmen say that either I deserved sainthood or just should be given the title of the galaxy’s biggest cuckold for waiting for you to finally decide that you loved me.” A low snicker came from her direction. “And what’s so damned funny about that?” he fumed. “I don’t think I deserve either label.”

Her shadowy form turned and she walked towards him. “No, you don’t. What you are – what you have _ **always**_ been – is a good friend and trusted counselor. I could never have made it this far without you, especially… especially when my life takes inward turns like this. I’m sorry that I’ve caused you grief in the past, just as I’m so sorry for my actions right now. But something just takes me over every once in a while and I have to let it run its course.”

She muttered something low and he blinked as a low glow of light washed over the room. _That’s a start_ , he thought.

“So what is this demon that invades you? What would it take to help you pull yourself out of this? Kathryn, everyone has ‘down’ times, but you can’t let yourself dissolve in them or they will eat away at your sanity just as surely as dichromium tris can chew its way through a warp core casing. I thought that our being together meant that we could share this sort of problem with each other – that’s what lovers do!” Fear ran its icy fingers down his spine as the horror of his thoughts became verbal and words of terror and pain shot out. “We _**are**_ still lovers, aren’t we? That isn’t what you’re trying to tell me, is it?”

“After all this time? Of course we are.” She walked over to him, her fingers quivering as she ran them down the frame of his face. “And I would never want anything to come between us, ever again.” Her hand shook as she reached over to him, as if afraid to touch him, as if he would be repelled by anything she might say. “I’m… afraid,” she managed to eke out.

“Of what, for God’s sake?” he cried out, grasping her arms more tightly than he should have. “What in all the universe do you have to be afraid of? I thought you had conquered every type of villain and monster in the galaxy – that you had no fear whatsoever.”

She heaved a huge sigh and sank down onto the sofa along the interior wall of her office. “Chakotay, I’m afraid of losing you,” she whispered. “There – I’ve said it.”

He sat down next to her and shook his head, not understanding anything behind what she said. “Kathryn, why should you be afraid of losing me? I thought I’d made myself more than clear on my feelings, my desire for you – and I thought those feelings were reciprocated.”

Her eyes looked up at him, ablaze with an inner fear. “Oh, they are, my dear Chakotay – they are. But…” She took his face between her hands and said with a cold finality, “But it’s February and you’re leaving on a mission back into the Delta Quadrant.”

He placed his hands over hers, noting the tenseness in her. “Yes, it’s February, but what of it? I’ll only be gone for three weeks – the time will be gone before we know it.”

She inhaled deeply and pursed her lips, as if trying to form the correct words. “I know what I’m going to say will sound very un-Kathryn Janeway… almost infantile and foolish.”

“Sometimes our fears make us do and say foolish things,” he responded softly. “But once they’re said, they lose that foolishness.”

She took his hands between hers, studying them closely. “I’ve always liked your hands, Chakotay. They are hands that have told me from the first that you are hard-working. They have strength, not just in what they can do, but also in how they respond. They act – they are decisive and steady.”

“Kathryn, we’re not talking about my hands – we’re talking about your fears.”

“And I’m getting there,” she answered. “What would happen if every year the muscles in your hands withered for a month? Nothing could prevent it – it just happened. You knew that when that month was over, you would be better. But, in the meantime, you wouldn’t want to try to do anything with them that would harm yourself or others.”

He tried to follow what she was driving at. “I guess I’d look for other things to do, things that wouldn’t involve my hands, though it would be pretty difficult.”

“And you would probably do more and more by yourself, right?” she asked.

“Yes, I suppose so,” he answered.

“Chakotay, what if I told you that I was poison to everyone around me each and every February? That I was like those non-functioning hands, causing more harm than good when they were used?” she asked haughtily.

“I’d say you were superstitious – not like you at all.”

She nodded in agreement with his interpretation. “You’re right. However, based on repeated outcomes of certain events, you might think I’m onto something.” She looked at him with a surreal smolder in her eyes. “Chakotay, I know when we enter warp speed, we leave behind the old Gregorian calendar temporal divisions. But, if we had gone by this form of measurement, I want you to think back on when it would have been February throughout our journey together. When I set out to find you and your crew in the Badlands and we were thrown into the Delta Quadrant, what month would it have been back on Earth?”

He thought for a moment. “February. The Caretaker’s array was destroyed in February.”

“Our first encounter with the Borg… when we had our first major disagreement and we almost lost everything? When we entered The Void? When I nearly went crazy with Rudy Ransom and his crew?”

“February counterparts,” he whispered, suddenly seeing a pattern. “But what started all of this? And why are you afraid of losing me now?”

“Because I lost my father and Justin in February. I lived… and they didn’t. I just can’t let you go now that I’ll lose you, too – I can _**feel**_ it.”

Her small frame began to tremble and he folded her into his arms, shushing and rocking her. “And just why do you think it was in the fates for you to live, Kathryn Janeway? Haven’t you seen your way though that survivor’s guilt yet? How would we have existed more than a month out there without you? It was your leadership and perseverance and zeal that kept us going during Voyager’s long journey.”

“No, it was everyone hanging in together that did it. I’m sure that there were times many of the crew could have thrown me out an airlock or fed me to the Vidiians and never looked back.”

“And then they would have had to answer to me and that definitely would not have been a pretty sight!” he answered, his voice taking on a hammy toughness.

Her eyes began to smile a bit. “Would you really have done something horrible in revenge?” she asked, half laughing.

“You better believe it!” he winked. He brushed back her hair and kissed her forehead. “I’ve loved you for a long time, Kathryn Janeway.”

“I know,” she whispered back. “And you know that in my deepest heart, I’ve loved you probably even longer. But that’s why I don’t want to tempt fate now… why I don’t want to take a chance.”

“You can’t go on like this, Kathryn. While I can understand and respect why you feel a need to remember and mourn, certainly there must be ways to implant new memories… happier reasons to bring back a balance to the month. Maybe something that will make it worth celebrating, something to look forward to each year rather than dreading it.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she sighed. “But I don’t really have anything to look forward to right now – only that you’ll be gone for three weeks and I’ll miss you and worry about you.”

He suddenly sat back, his face broadening into a grin that the Cheshire cat would have envied.

“What?” she asked, knowing that he was thinking of something. “Do you have any suggestions?”

“As a matter of fact, I do,” his smile playing somersaults across his face. "I know that you contacted Admiral Hayes about delaying my mission for a couple of weeks and now I know why you did it.”

She blushed and hung her head. “I’m sorry, Chakotay; that was juvenile and foolish. I couldn’t even give him a reason when he asked.”

“Well, you were right in that it’s nothing that can’t be delayed for awhile – it’s just to negotiate a trade agreement and Hayes hasn’t even completed the formal papers for it yet.”

“So you do understand my fears? You don’t think I’m being irrational?” she asked.

“No, I think you’re being as irrational as an inebriated Q – I’m not letting you off that hook so easily, my dear Kathryn.” He kissed her fingertips and began to nibble on them. “I want to stay here for a few more weeks to help you replace all those bad February memories.” His hands made it up to her face and he gently cradled her before he kissed her.

“That’s a good start,” she smiled as she slowly opened her eyes.

“Then here’s the main course,” he smiled. “Kathryn, let’s get married – next week!”

For one of the rare times in her life, Kathryn Janeway sat speechless. The room became so quiet he knew he heard their heartbeats echoing off the walls, marking the seconds as they passed.

She shook her head, as if clearing it. “You’re serious,” she finally said incredulously.

“Dead serious,” he answered. “We’ve put it off long enough and now is the time. If fate is going to deal you any more cards this month, they’re going to be good ones.”

“Chakotay, I…” she began, only to be silenced by a kiss that reinforced his proposal. Not to be outdone, she kissed him back, filled with all the love and longing she had for him.

“I take it that the answer is ‘yes’,” he smiled when they finally came up for air.

“Yes,” she answered emphatically. “Yes – now and always. Something that will always make February worthwhile.” She sat back looked at him. “Why didn’t we do this before?”

“Yes, why didn’t ‘we’?” he laughed. “It couldn’t have been because a very stubborn starship captain wouldn’t admit that being in love was permissible…”

She thwumped him gently on the shoulder and he feigned bodily injury. “A week, huh?”

“Yep,” he answered. “I don’t want to give you time to change your mind.”

“Are there any chances of you reneging?” she countered.

“Not on your life,” he smiled, pulling her into his bear-hug embrace. “This is the moment I’ve been waiting for – for almost nine years.”

“I guess we should contact Admiral Hayes and see about that change in your orders,” she said. “Then I should probably call my mother… then B’Elanna and Tom." She looked over at him. “Do you think Tuvok could manage to be here?” Her eyes lit up. “Do you think we should contact Q?”

“ ** _NO_**!” he cried out emphatically. But he smiled, too, as he could tell that she was thoroughly engrossed in preparing a mental checklist, one that would restructure those February memories and turn them into a new hope.

  
~ The End ~

 


End file.
